Day forty-nine of The 100 Day Project for 2021.

I think I thought this would be easier to draw.

But for some reason, my eyes and my hand couldn't coordinate to really make it work. And, to be honest, my heart wasn't in it to make it work any better than this today.

I think that's part of why I've always struggled to draw.

I can visualise myself drawing effortlessly, skillfully. I can imagine my hand and fingers guiding the pencil to make the lines just so. But the communication between my hand and eyes is never as strong as I think it is when I imagine drawing something.

There was a second or two when I almost tore out the page, put my visual diary away and crawled back into bed.

But I'm a completist, so I determinedly fought the urge. I focussed on the photo on my phone I'd taken earlier in the afternoon when I'd felt more positively. And I finished it. But I think my internal struggle shows in the finished product.

What started as a better day - a day of rest, self-care and a much-needed pep talk full of positive distractions from a friend - unravelled when gently poked later in the afternoon.

I'm still feeling raw and vulnerable, and I don't know when that feeling will stop. I wish it would stop.

I sketched with a 4H, then shaded and drew over the outline with an HB pencil.